Bienvenue 2010!

Wow. It's 2010. Not the figure that scares me, but the reality that clings together with the magical number froze me in such way I couldn't describe. Inevitably, this year will change a whole lot of my 'life-perspective'. O'yes, one of it; I've dipped myself into a challenging tunnel called 'pursuing-that-master-thing-are-you-out-of-your-mind?'. Frankly speaking, I still wonder what made me DO that, but things-a-thing ~ BOOM! You’re in! Never look back!

Forget resolutions. Am not formulating another new list this year. Not that am all-fall-down with myself, but I personally think that it’s super-important to make sure your brain and spirit is in super-superb-condition; and to be positive at all time - is the utmost priority - let alone the inner strength of yours; I mean mine. I don't have any idea where shall I go and find those 'strength' I was yapping all along - but I need it so desperately. To God I rest my wish.

Reviewing 2009, I come to see that there is plenty of things I considered 'me-failures'. Even if others might not think of it; but me feeling and being a low-esteemed person has pathetically dragged me into some kind of a blurry world - you might call 'Fallaway' or other crap callings you can think of. Whoaa.. that bad?? Apparently.

I will not deny; that 2009, in various ways, left few positive marks for me to at least ponder, and cherish or even be thankful. Not forgetting - fallen into a long-lost-world of fuzzy-funny-feelings; ahahahhah..shall not mention that in here. It's my heart lil' secret.

Losing 2 of my closest friends, too, caused an unimaginable loneliness inside me for quite some time. I can feel that my laughter was abruptly diminished - and I was haunted by esteem-issues once again. I suddenly became so particular when speaking with others; not to mention having some pain-suspicious-looks towards people. That - was definitely from me. I was the one with issues. Feeling left behind, lonesome and monstrously-FAT.

Speaking of FAT, Yes, I once hated everybody. I thought everybody was a fake. They hated me. I had a hard time believing ~ but it was when TENSE ruled me. Of course, when ME rules ME back, I come to realize that I owe everyone for trizzlion reasons. I am blessed with everyone (love, family and friends) around me. I don't care if they didn't love me back; but a deed will stay a deed. I truly believe that 'forgiveness' is the real peace we are yearning for. For whatever reasons, the rule-of-thumb would always remains as it is; which for me – to stay humble and respect people. Yes, people, if I don’t appear to be down-to-earth; or being disrespectful to others; please tell. I mean it.

As for love, I will strive, and give my very best; to stay in-love. I am a memory-cherisher (yes, lame huh?) but that is all I have, and we have - before death do us part. Yes, again. Me-love, if you are reading this, I sincerely hope that close-to-death-experience should teach us good; of how to appreciate one another, our sacrifices, and most importantly; our years to come. Please understand that nothing will come before you. You know how much I love you. If we happen to complicate things, no one else shall fix it but us. Promise me. Please. Need that.

Intann : 18 days in 2010, things shall be different. Please pray for me people. I love you.

Ezzah O' Ezzah

At the age of 2 years and 9 months, my baby girl has now possesses the very skills of climbing, hopping, sponge-bob-ing, shouting and mumbling.

Think I need not elaborate on the hopping and climbing part -- for all we know she's a master climber. She never played with dolls except for climbing purposes. Am trying to figure out what exactly she loves to play, do and say - wait, let me think.

1. Master painter - she rules the WALL. You can see everything there - sometimes dragged to my quilt sets! Geram betulll..!

2. Multi-use of bicycle - not only for transportation but also being used as tangga to answer the phone or reaching forbidden stuffs.

3. PC savvy - motivated by that weird-with-nasally-voiced spongebob, she will switch it ON, move the mouse to open her video folder (inside her papa's multiple folder) and then laughed out loud. She even knows how to shut down the PC. Ishh.. the mama was not that savvy before!

4. We always say to her that she's having 'kuku hantu' whenever her nails are long and needs to be cut. She will give up her nails quite easily if we say so - Thank Goodness. But one night, she saw the nail-clipper on the shelf and couldn't reach it. She came up to me and politely asked-- "Mama..nak hantuuu.." - iskhh.. mama yang takot.. hahaha.

5. She speaks funny - one of the mumbles we still can't figure out up until now is her 'IT TCHI CHI WE IT?'. She says that almost every day - for whatever that may means. Hahaha..But she still can't speak well - I mean as she supposed to. Papa said maybe she's confused with mix-language introduced to her. Maybe, ermm..maybe not. Whatever that is, I love her this way. She'll grow up - and I'll be left to remember her funny-cheeky face. Oh nooo.. I miss her already!

Few other funny mumblings :

Lowi busyukk - lori sampah
Yoti - roti / mamak roti
Chi turn - ayam laa..
"Oh nooo! Ti-takkk" - Oh no..cicakkk..
Tu-tushh - Cockroach
Nak nasikkk - haaa.. this one's clearly said. hahaha (anak mama)
Aow-Aow - Lenka's Trouble is A Friend Song
The ultimate one :
"Papa..nak Fu Fu Fan..? Pe yesshh" - Papa..nak tengok Spongebob Square Pants..Please.

6. She is so full of face-expressions while watching Fu Fu Fan. Lawaks. She jumps, she smiles, giggles, rounded her lips, frowned, and sometimes said "Siannnn dierrr!". I wonder what's on her mind.

7. She is scared of the 'RED DOT' coming out from her papa's laser pointer. For now, that dot helps us A LOT in getting her to bathe, putting on her baju and also sleep. There goes our so-called-super-girl -- scared by a tiny-red-dot. Haha..

8. For all I know, she loves bubbles and buttons. Cartoon channels? Nothing is beyond her click. Think this is the 5th time her Tokwan change the remote control.

9. The only feminine-element that is so distinct - is her long, straight hair. Well, they looked straight, but the truth is - its tangling inside, for she hates to comb 'em.

10. The TEETH. That's mama punya major problem. Too late to fix the teeth. Brushing 'em equals to WAR. Only recently - that we manage to get her brush her teeth on her own. Heee.. geram..geramm.

From day to day, the guilt of not having enough time spent with her -- haunted me. As always, I'll blame myself if she repeatedly throwing tantrums toward us - and it hurts me the most if we occasionally spanked her of misbehaving. Deep down I know - that she is desperate for love and attention. I hope she knows how much I love her.

Yes, I hope she knows how much I love her.

Intann : Am glad I live to see her grow -- and amuse me with all her charms. Am one lucky person, am I? To God I rest my gratitude. Shall cherish this for all my life.

An Attempt to De-Chicken Me!

Last weekend was a hectic one.

I went on an almari shopping frenzy (and forced everybody to go along with me, of course) in Puchong and bought a kayu balak chest-drawer for Ezzah and a wardrobe for my room. Ezzah’s old IKEA almari was worst than a ship-wreck -- and the fact that it was placed strategically under the staircase, I felt a lot like a kedekut mother for not buying her ‘panjat’-is-my-middle-name daughter a new one. The kayu balak chest-drawer suits her well. It’s so solid you can even make a rock n roll concert on top of it. Hmm..wonder what her Tok would say. Hahah..

The next day, the chest-drawer showed up. I jumped out my bed early just to get the space ready. Benda baru..standard lahh.. even to give up my precious Sunday morning! At 11 sharp, the lorry-men arrived. Hmm..efficient service –sure will visit that kedai again. What a deliberate-tactic! Haha..

The next to show up was – Abang Fali and Co. Earlier, I texted him to come over and have lunch together. Since he has few pants missing and thought they might be here, he said yes -- but with a note that he will not eat chicken. Uhh.. luckily am on the top-of-the-universe-mood today, so I went to the market and bought some fish. Ezzah went hysterical to see her abah and kakaks coming – especially Fatin. They hugged each other just like in the TV. Dramaqueens! Suddenly she was so obedient and behaved well at the lunch table. Hii..budak ni memang..

We had Ikan Jaket Belah Belakang as our main dish, together with Sambal Tumis Ikan Terubuk Masin. Side dish? We had ulam pucuk ‘jangguih’ and paru goreng. Uuuu... orang yang diet tu had a few times nasik tambah. Hehehe.. was so glad they liked it. Whatever happens with his no-chicken-policy. I was about to ask when he suddenly popped out the talk.

“Aku dah seminggu tak makan ayam..” he mumbled.

“Awat? Sebab berubat lelah tu ka?” I was not that curious actually – sebab a week before this, he did go to Melaka to berubat.

“Bukan ahh..aku baca lam internet – people with B-type-blood macam abah should avoid chicken. Not good. At all.”

Aaahh..another diet-tip. He managed to fall for that kind of tip..? Pleaseeee....!

But..ermm..

“Aaa? Apa? B-type..? Oiihh.. that’s ME. Orang pun B-type jugak lah..!” I yelled to him. And he had his-wide-satisfied-grin on his face – followed by a mean laugh.

What a wicked-bone-wracking-nightmare. Me without chicken??? Doesn’t rhyme that well, kan? For 30-years of living happily with chicken, this is the first time that somebody has that ‘happy’-nerve to tell me ‘you-cannot-eat-chicken’. That was a bomb! Hehehe.. Jahat punya abang.

But his mean words did not stop me from grabbing another chicken parts from the bowl right in front of me. Tomorrow I will stop eat chicken – that was what I told him.

To surrender my chicken? Hmm.. I’ll think about it.

Intann : Hmm..nasib baik I went on eating that chicken. We had a rough time removing the old almari from my room to Syima’s – that thing was a hulk! Body-aches hit us right after that. Haha..

..and one more thing before you go..

..'And One More Thing Before You Go..' - happened to be the petite-birthday-present for the boss who's leaving today. Well..that's the best I could think of -- and am glad he likes it.

He called me to his office this morning after receiving the present - for a brief farewell chat. I told him that (since I have that very chance) -- without his presence - things will be lil awkward for me..and around me. I asked him again; "Are you really going?" and "So..you won't be in the office next week?" - he laughed , and at that moment I knew, this isn't another dream. He is really going!

I wish him well.

The farewell event went urmm..quite smoothly I guess. His speech this morning conveyed his sorrows and sadness - but I guess he is ready for it; I mean for him to do something really BIG now.

Intann : happy birthday and many happy returns - Usted enciende una luz dentro de mí. Thanks to you. Will remember that.

Like A Song

I can't forget you when you're gone.
You're like a song
That goes around in my head.
And how I regret
It's been so long.
Oh, what went wrong?
Could it be something I said?
Time, make it go faster,
Or just rewind
To back when im wrapped in your arms

All afternoon long
It's with me
The same song
You left a light on
Inside me
My love

I can Remember
The way that it felt
To be holding on to you

Time
Make it go faster
Or just decide
To come back to my happy heart.

Intann : A pretty song by LENKA - Remembering today..of good ol' days..

Little things I learned in Korea

I just can't believe it. I have never set a dream of visiting the Republic of Korea in my life -- I mean in my long favourite list; and here I am, missing that place so badly.

I thought that, 3 months ago, when I received the news -- that am selected to attend the asia pasific ifla gathering from my boss; felt like I wasn't 'that' connected. It's true. I wasn't that excited -- harsh if I say 'at all'.

The truth was that; I was anticipating another super-great news to enter my ears. It was my masters application.

Few weeks before that, the boss was sending out messages that I was not recommended by my ministry to further my studies -- so I heard. But,I was worried because my brain ( and body and soul and everything!) seemed not to accept that news like we should. I remembered, that time I felt like a ..urmm.. a trash box or something.. ? Can't digest anything crossed my mind. So did the go-to-Korea-news. I felt nothing.

And yes. Miracle does happen; and it indeed tasted so sweet -- especially when we are not/less expecting it. The following week, I received a phone call with that super-great news. Suddenly, I felt alive - again. Oh yes, I haven't announce the news here yet. Am going to my next dream-place-of-mine next year for my masters. I thanked God for that.

Korea-task was interesting. I helped my DG for his keynote paper for the congress. I didn't know what to expect then --except for the chills of accompanying him over there. I barely knew him, the only look on him from me was 'respect-the-boss' and I am sure that was the chills were all about.

So we went. The boss was accompanied by wife and daughter; and me - of course my mon cher. And I can tell you that Korea; by means Seoul and Incheon -- is indeed very interesting. I had a lovely day-and-night experience that I will never forget. I fought my tiredness despite the fasting month -- to make sure we spent every moment there with memories.

I was glad to see mon cher beamed with excitement as we strolled the breezy nights together. Think I am born to make others (but me) happy.. but right there, every night, I was so calm and happy. And again, I thank God for that.

The boss, to my surprise; has been wonderfully easy-going and tolerant for me. He is retiring very soon, and I am glad to have seen and know the other part of him; which make me respect him more. I look up at him in a new perspective now, I guess. I think we have break the barriers we had before, and our chats has become more casual than we used to. That will help, for my next development - for sure.

And I still can't believe I miss almost everything over there. The modern-bare-new-land Incheon had offered me, not forgetting the picturesque autumn views in the outskirts. The smell of the kim-chi ramen soup, the ikan bakar in Nam Dae Mun market, and the laughter we had after being chased by Pak Nik to climb those stairs in Itaewon. Also the unremitting warm hugs mon cher gave to me the whole time we were there. Everything was as good as it is. Locked to be treasured in my mind.

And going back to work - is exactly as miserable as I think it will be. Honeymoon's over darling!

Little details of what life had offered me and the way I took the opportunities and challenges so far, made me think how small I am -- and that there's plenty more obstacles are coming my way.

I am just a plain human. I did stumbled and fall. And I know people are criticizing me all the time. I don't know (or care) what others might think; but I believe somewhere, or in something, we eventually will encounter new deeds or feelings (of respect, love and care) in others -- for us to move on in our lives.

Intann : Korea, You are on my favourite list now. We are sure going back to experience the rest of you. Until then.

My New Crush

Well, you might find out that the title is indeed quite exaggerating..but hey, at least for me this is the next-best-new-thing that ever happen to me since urmm.. few months back. Remember I was grumbling of not having a good list to deal with. So, think this should do me good for a while.

I just got myself a new author as my favourite --besides the late monsieur Sidney Sheldon. Yeah..laugh your heart out.

I picked her book at random --thought of filling my time while waiting for mon cher before we hit the movie - Transformers; 2 weeks back. I flipped through a few pages, and ended up buying one. The price was OK.

Have you heard of Phillipa Ashley?

The author described everything so well, I fell in love with the heroine, the sister, the mates, not forgetting Jack the hero. I feel like I knew every casts in her book, every moves and every emotions. She really knows what she is doing. She even allured me to Corsica, as what described as a romantic island-getaway somewhere in France. The next thing I know, I can't put the book down. My goodness. Think I'm sick.

As she was saying--it's indeed a girl thing. Think I am lil' carried away. But I love feeling this way. She diverted my daily aches into a cute feeling of what I call a virtual-romance. Most importantly, she made me smile. What else do I need for the moment, huh?

Intann : I can still breathe the air she was describing - of Bonifacio,Corsica. A place I soon will visit.

I just want to be a chez moi..

I know if I continue to let out grumbles; they wouln't change a thing.

I remembered a line in the mix-with-Indian movie I watched some times ago; called 'outsourced' - when a man gave the distressed Mr. Todd a piece of advise which says "..Try to give in with whatever that is messing your mind and life -- for it will turns out to be remarkably easy on you.."

Well, apparently it did went well for that good-looking Mr. Todd in that cute movie, and of course, I do (and dreadfully) hope that things will do me good, in any way at all. Perhaps, for whoever that knows me really well - will tend to think me as uno ungrateful person, but all I need is some peaceful air, plus a day or two of my youth spirits!

I just can't think of waking up and feeling sorry for myself - of not having a nice list to do something I really like.

What actually do I need, huh?

Think I should stop now and start figuring out things to do.

Intann : Somebody, poke me on the eye, s'il vous plait! Need one.